A few jokes
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy were sitting at the bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place.
Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinnybuys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?
" No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know "if the coast is clear."
A lady goes to the gynecologist for an exam.
While examining her, the doctor asks, "So, did you ever have a check-up here before?"
"No" she replied, "but I have had a couple of Germans and a Russian"
You Have Mail
A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in,closed the door and went back in the house.
A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.
She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said
"you must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking
into your mail box."
The blonde answered "no, I'm working on my computer and it keeps telling me
that I have mail."
A Boy In A Saloon
A twelve-year-old boy walked into a saloon and said to the barmaid, "Give me a Scotch on the rocks." "You're just a kid," said the barmaid. "Do you want to get me in trouble?" "Maybe in a few years," replied the boy. "But in the meantime, I'd still like that Scotch."
A high-school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day.
She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the
student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked,
"What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student,
shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."
This guy has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
As the speck gets closer and closer, he sees that it is not a boat, or even a small raft.... suddenly, emerging from the
surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"
She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"
Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask,
and gives it to him.
He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"
Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively
and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord!, don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"
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